07 March 2008

Peripheral Vision

Just before we left the US, I sent out an email to everyone in my very extensive address book announcing our departure and linking them to my blog, should they want to keep in touch or follow along vicariously. From the number of people that ever leave comments on my blog (mostly people I have met virtually or with a few notable exceptions in the flesh only since my adventure began), you might never suspect that I maintain fairly regular contact with over 150 people that I have ‘collected’ over the years. Granted, I am no Aunt Bette, who managed to remember and mark the birthday, anniversary, and any other card-worthy event of EVERY person she EVER met in her entire life (God Bless and Keep Her), but I do try. I send post cards and Christmas cards (most years) and while I do get personal satisfaction from keeping this electronic diary, every entry is written with fond thoughts for all the people I know/love who might be reading it.

Oddly enough, I know for a stone cold FACT, that the people I consider my absolute closest friends – those I have known since 3rd Grade (Oscar!), or Junior High (Beki!), or High School (Kathy!) do not, and WILL not read my blog. Ever. I reckon they think that anything I have to say to them should be said in person, and honestly, a few words just sprung to mind. I suspect Sofia might read, but I know she is busy, and I know Doug checks in on occasion when he is not too busy cracking one under the table over Lindsay Lohan mug shots or picking his mother up from the drunk tank at Elmwood. I also know that a lot of my friends and family (except maybe Lee and anyone born before computers existed, except Mom) read my updates with any regularity, even though, for various reasons they do not leave comments or write to me very often. At the bottom of my inbox is a pile of old emails that I just can’t bring myself to delete. Maybe because I think that one day they will serve as a reminder to follow up with someone, or maybe they are people I just don’t want to lose. Well, evidently, I too am floating around in the bottom of other people’s inboxes.

Last week, I got an email from one of those people at the bottom of my inbox. I wrote a long list of praises here about him, but I had to delete it, not only because it sounded like a eulogy (all about how he made my mother and my grandmother cry at my high school graduation), but because I truly he believe that one day he will be a senator or maybe even president (or at least a circuit judge in Fresno) and that a mention on the blog of an accused (but acquitted) felon might not serve his best interests in the long run. He wrote to me because he is turning 40 this year (I believe he was the baby of our graduating class) and something I wrote about it last November resonated with him (although he thinks it is for different reasons – he’s wrong – they are the same reasons!) I replied, reciting the sentiments expressed above, and he replied with surprise that I felt that way about him, having assumed he existed only on my periphery. Interestingly, I have always been under the assumption that I only ever existed on the periphery of his (and every one else at that damn school) as well.

And this is what got me to thinking enough to get to writing…on the value of collecting people who knew you when you were young, even if they are people who simply knew you when you were younger than you are today. Life races by so quickly, and so often we only have time to focus on the road ahead. But the periphery of our lives are filled with people who occasionally catch glimpses of our true selves as we whizz past. The human brain has the amazing capability to create whole pictures from many small parts. The unexpected addition of a new part can sometimes redefine the image you had of yourself. Say, for example, you are attached to an image of yourself as a nerdy outcast; it can be eye-opening to learn that someone you thought was cool thought of you as intelligent, witty, and brave...even if she thinks of herself as a nerdy outcast.

I feel compelled to end this with a call to action - to tell you to reach out to some long lost acquaintance and tell them you thought they were all right, or that you thought about them at all and then I might have made a pitch to leave me a note letting me know you stopped by for read. But, as I was searching for links for this post, I came across a similar plea on Eddie's blog, and I quickly realized my own shortcoming in leaving comments for other people, and then I felt silly for begging for attention. So, I must persevere to consider that I write for myself and me alone, for the satisfaction of working out my own triumphs, fears, and insecurities, and simply be ever so grateful to anyone who takes the time to sift through the effluent of my mind.

Thank you.

And Happy Birthday, Sam.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

wow, 150 people, that's amazing!!
and I think it's a very good thing to keep an online diary, keep friends updated of what's going on with ur life, we are too busy to write to each other every day.
I wish I could write on a regular basis as you do, I am too lazy..

Anonymous said...

Audra...

I know how you feel I also try to keep in touch with people. Since I moved I have been able to keep in touch with about two friends. You would think I had more. But, I guess not. Nice to check in on you guys.

Just so you know my special memories of you guys.
Helping with watering your plants when you went of of town and feeding the cats.

Your very special photo album.

Watching you from my window at night. Bonus: wondering how two people could drink so much beer :)

Sherry Bo Berry

Anonymous said...

First you whinge when I spam you, then..er I mean when somebody spams you,
then you want to know if anybody is out there. A complex road kill observer
you are, and so mainstream.
First I want you to know that if you wrote a column in the Oregonian, I
would read it before I read the comics...except maybe, Doonesbury...and
Garfield...but definitely before Bizzarro. Now that Bill Buckley is no
longer writing, that frees up some of my time. Sometimes, I check the
lottery numbers first, but your blog is still way up there on my daily to-do
list. I live my life vicariously through friends and family, and, strangely,
you fall into both categories so there is double the vicariousness. I
suspect that even though folks don't comment on your blog that it is being
read..why just the other day I saw you being quoted by homeland security.
Keep up the good work, you are appreciated.

The Prof said...

Nicely put. Now I shall stop my own private whinging.

Anonymous said...

Okay….I must be a real idiot because I can not create a user name to go onto your blog to leave you a message. Do you know how many times I have tried and just gave up?!! So yes there are people out there that do read your blog…but then there are idiots like me who can’t figure out how to respond. So I just read in quite and then go home and fill Steve in on your lives down under!!! Keep posting….because I keep on reading!!! Take Care ~ Tina J



Tina - Thanks! Try posting anonymously...you don't need to have an ID. - A

CnR said...

Just compelled by this post to comment that I enjoy your blog. You just never know who's reading.
I am:

A blogger who also laments that few take the time to comment (but when you stop blogging for a time, a surprising number of people come out of the woodwork to complain).

A Californian living in the UK--I enjoy your cross-cultural commentary!

A former colleague of yours from that major biotech company in SoCal (definitely on the periphery of your acquaintance).

I appreciate your writing and your sense of humor. Keep up the good work.

Author! Author! said...

Well, well - now wasn't that a wonderful surprise! How very nice to 'see' you again Rebecca! In my peripheral vision, you were shy and quiet - or was I just that loud - but indeed you are one of the people at that wonderful, but awful Fortune 500 Comapny that I suspected had a lot more going on behind their eyes than most.

How wonderful that you have the opportunity to live overseas - and that you took it!

i took a quick look through your blog, and will go back through it when I have a bit more time, but someone is a wonderful photographer!! And what a beautiful area you get to explore! Hmmm...hearing from you seems to have brought out a lot of exclamation points in me.

Thanks for letting me know you are out there. Wow. You really turned my head around today!

Anonymous said...

i am moving to australia in less than 2 months and if it wasnt for my mother's email to me stating that i am going to be homesick for some time, i wouldnt be responding. i was one of those "looking for commentary on one's move around the world" and found you.

my family is planning parites left and right, in 2 different cities, for those who know and love me to say goodbye until i decide to come home. i feel that after awhile, the writing will stop and the attention to me on the other side of the world will fade. everyone is to BUSY but i will start a blog and document my adventures just as you.

we'll see how that goes.

caw said...

What a fabulous post! I loved your sentiment about getting in touch with people from one's past - people who have known us from when we were urchins, but you know ... I'm just not that motivated. Isn't that dreadful?
However, as a young adult I too began collecting people and have continued this trend my whole life. People who remain scattered all over the world (or just scattered, like me) and I know that a few of them read my bloggage which is quite nice.
Mostly tho, I write it for myself and for the few who read it regularly.
Your blog often gets me thinking about something I had not generally thought of before, and I like that. And it makes me laff. Thanks for that :)

Anonymous said...

I am not now nor have I ever read your blog.

Anonymous said...

That Oscar guy has some nice legs.

Max Macias said...

Yo, greetings from the great pacific NW!

Your friend from way back at Hester--what a dork I was--well--alright--I still am, but much cooler now.


Its great to hear you are doing well Audra--how the hell did you end up in Australia?

I guess I could read backwards--huh?


Anyway--I wanted to say you always were a great influence on me and I will always remember your kindness to the shy/dorky/couldn't talk to girls high-school Max.


I was stoked to find your blog!


Max

Author! Author! said...

MAX!!!!

I thought I'd lost you! My last known address for you saw a Christmas Card returned and I had no idea how I would ever find you. I believe you are officially the 'earliest' friend in my life with who I am still in contact - or at least tied with Sofia and Jaime. You might have been shy in elementary school, but how many other 3rd graders read The Godfather during recess??

Funny, just the other day I was reliving that hiking trip from hell in my memory banks. Ugh, despite that being a horrible nightmare, I actually have some very fond memories of that trip - when I mentally delete a certain someone from the scenes!

I cannot access your email through your blogger profile, so I hope you check back in here and send me an email through my link. I want to know where you are and what you are doing. Are you still in Washington?