Green Things

I am currently staying at a green hotel just outside the Napa Valley. Actually, it is beige, mostly. How did the simple word ‘green’ come to represent such a complicated movement? In my poorly organized mind, I always give the credit to Kermit the Frog and his enduring mantra, but then sometimes I just think it is all a bunch of marketing hoopla. Nothing detracts from the fundamental value of a good concept like marketing hoopla. Granted, good ideas need to be disseminated to the masses, but how can you trust a system that makes people believe that cookies are for breakfast and invading sovereign nations is acceptable foreign policy?

I can feel your curiosity burning through my (complimentary!) wireless connection…you are dying to know what makes a hotel green…Well, the most distinguishing feature is the six large LCD monitors in the lobby which show the current water and electricity usage of the property as well as an estimation of CO2 generation. One is forced to ponder if that includes the heat output of said monitors. Another critical component of managing a green hotel is to replace all the in-room bibles with copies of “An Inconvenient Truth.”

The skeptical cynic in me wants to poke fun at the whole green scene because of the silly extremes to which people stray in order to feel better about their very existence – like mandating the use of compact fluorescent light bulbs without establishing an infrastructure to recycle the 5 mg of mercury contained within each bulb which is trickling into the groundwater beneath landfills as I type. However, another (less exercised) portion of my personality wants to embrace and celebrate the notions of environmental sustainability, social responsibility, and ecologically friendly business practices.

So, I take comfort in drinking Fair Trade Certified Organic coffee that was brewed in a plastic drip pot. I am happy to reuse my towels after my 20 minute shower. I smile at the efficiency of the solatubes in the hallways that replace electric light during the day as I slide my card-key into an electronic lock. I feel pleased knowing the room was constructed with low volatile organic paints and sealants as I drink beer and eat too much pizza. I admire the graceful swans gliding across the frog-filled lagoon of recycled water – even as I toss greasy Fritos into the water…because everyone knows swans love Fritos…

However, my amusements have limits. I must question the informational value of assigning an earthy-sounding name to each room, particularly since that name is embossed onto plastic placard beneath each room number. We are staying in the muskrat room. I am not especially pleased with the thought of paying a premium rate to share my vacation amenities with large odiferous rodents, but it turns out that the only sign of the critters is an informational card featuring a picture of the planet.
Did you know that muskrats can remain underwater for up to 20 minutes and can swim forwards and backwards?

Printed on recycled paper with soy-ink, of course…