By Request

Dedicated reader Darcie made a cultural inquiry as to the offensiveness of the euphemism 'beaver' in regards to female genitalia. Lest you worry about what odd thoughts occupy the mind of my dear friend, know that her curiosity was prompted by the following commercial recently yanked from the airwaves here in Australia, and now making quite a stir in the blogosphere:



My extensive research (I asked three Australian women and one Chinese man) yielded the conclusive conclusion that Audra has the uncanny ability to embarrass the crap out of Chinese men. However, the women were agreed that in no way were they offended by the term 'beaver', though it is not a term they employ in their daily vocabulary (perhaps because there are no beavers in Australia?). Indeed, as far as I can gather from the blog chatter, the only thing offensive about this commercial is the Americanization of Australian advertising - though I cannot imagine an American tampon commercial referring to feminine anatomy as "down there", much less comparing it to a small river dwelling rodent renowned for its ability to fell trees with its teeth. (Please note the tremendous restraint I am applying in avoiding any tongue in cheek remarks about damming the flow. If you are disappointed by my reticence, I suggest this.)

In truth, Australians are offended by very little, apart from the Americanization of their culture, particularly through the influence of television and movies. The disdain for American advertising is exemplified by a recent commercial in which a team of bank directors have hired an American ad agency to promote their home loans. The American agency comes up with a garish and obnoxious campaign which visibly nauseates the bank directors and clearly pins the blame for rising interests rates here on the US. (Australians love to blame the US for every little thing that goes wrong with the world and the economy. As if there was no such thing as predatory lending here...and that is not even considering that ALL mortgages are variable rate to some degree - currently ~9.4% following 12 consecutive rate hikes. Oh, and home mortgage interest is not a tax deduction. But I digress.) In the end, the bank opts for a plainly spoken under-statement about the quality of their home loans.

Oddly, Australians vocally welcome other immigrants to bring their traditions to the cultural potluck. They are keen to attend festivals hosted by Africans, Indians, Italians, Chinese, and others, but any attempt to recognize the pleasures associated with Halloween or the Fourth of July are met with harsh criticism. (OK, you know I am joking about the Fourth of July, right? I hope?) The Australian media loves to ramble on about how the American media (in the broadest sense of the word, not just news outlets) has contaminated so many facets of Australian culture that the nation is losing its uniquely Australian identity as evidenced by 1) drastic changes in vocabulary - particularly lamented is the decline in the use of colorful Australian colloquialisms such as "A bit more choke and you would have started", 2) diminishment of the Australian accent - blamed wholly on movies and The Simpsons (I think there is a Simpsons Channel on Foxtel), and 3) results of a recent poll that showed a surprising number of young people believe that in an emergency they should dial 911 (here, it is triple zero).

In NO way am I attempting to defend the drivel churned out by American movie studios or the rancid television shows that play to the lowest common denominators of society (BTW, since living here, I have realized that many of my least favorite TV shows are actually rip offs of crappy British shows, but when Australia rips them off, they tend to overlook that fact.) I am the first to admit that the US does not show well in our exported media, but here they make it sound as if there is some evil American machine with an agenda to assimilate their very being. Turn off your bloody televisions, ya wankers. You don't have to watch it!

This seething dislike for American culture clearly stems from the Tall Poppy Syndrome so inherent to Australian values, and perhaps the one facet of their culture that will not, can not be dissolved by American influences. I don't think Australians appreciate how much America really, really likes them. Ask any American and they are sure to express their desire to visit Australia. We are absolutely charmed by you. I am formulating an analogy of our countries based on two brothers - the older one who defied his parents strict rules and left home at 18, struck out into the world to become a free and wild success while the younger one stayed home and cared for the frail aging parents, and who, although successful in his own right, actively cultivates resentment for the carefree recklessness of his older brother. (For a wonderful and more detailed treatment of this fascinating subject, I recommend The United States vs Australia.)

As a follow-up question to my elaborate survey, I enquired about the existence of a uniquely Australian euphemism for female genitalia. But I reckon it is pretty difficult to come up with a clever ad campaign for tampons based on the Map of Tasmania.