The Doctrine of Fashionism

Sydney certainly believes itself to be a city steeped in high fashion. Except for the occasional freak coincidence, my own wardrobe has consistently been at odds with the fashion industry throughout my entire life. Therefore, I am not really in a position to judge whether or not Sydneysiders dress in the height of modern fashion. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that Australia’s geographical isolation from the rest of civilization, coupled with their unique self image, has resulted in some very regrettable wardrobe decisions among Sydney’s clothes conscious.

The current trend for women is all about baby doll dresses. Loose flowing gowns cinched tight across the nipple line and cropped as close to the bottom of the buttocks as a breezeless day will allow. The result is a complete obliteration of any hint of the female form. Breasts look flattened and all other curves become invisible. This look does however place an extraordinary emphasis on the lower extremities. Many Australian women have a distinct body-type: long lean bodies and short strong legs (I am curious to know what set of genetic crossbreeds gave rise to this particular shape.) Thus the baby doll dress helps balance out their proportions. However, the overall effect is that Saturday night in the city resembles a giant pyjama party in high heels.

Note: This look is not truly complete unless you are pigeon toed.

The fashion for men is slightly less ridiculous, except for the shoes and quite possibly the hair, oh and the sunglasses. When walking through the central business district, I often get the feeling I have stumbled into a Tyler Durden look-alike convention. I actually find this look rather attractive, if not only because of the menatal associations to Brad Pitt. I don’t particularly mind the just-rolled-out-of-bed look for men’s hair, except I know that in fact they had it professionally styled and spent more than a few minutes in the mirror with some products making sure the left side was smooshed just so. But this look falls apart for me when it comes to the shoes. Most popular are ridiculously long, square-toed Italian loafers – preferably so long that the toes actually curl up, giving the effect of a pair of Persian Ali Baba slippers. This gives the Australian male a peculiar gait in order to avoid tripping, and narrow stair cases necessitate a slightly angled ascent in order to ensure the balls of the foot actually hit the risers.

When it comes to sunglasses, I am fairly certain that this unfortunate trend has indeed swept the globe, but I am hopeful that it is already dying out elsewhere. Now mind you, there was a time when I was quite smitten with Jackie-O sunglasses, but as usual, it was more for the comic relief factor than for style or practicality. Designers have taken the Jackie-O concept to new extremes, but the key to this fashion accessory is to sport a sincere expression of disaffected boredom and impatience. The overall effect is an entire city of indolent insects travelling by public transport.

One last note about footwear: I know that flip-flops (aka thongs) have risen to new heights of acceptable fashion throughout the United States and are probably here to stay because of their complete functionality and affordability. I support this trend fully and thank the powers of the universe that this trend did not persist during the seventies when the thick-soled rainbow striped version briefly made the scene. Still, I cannot visualize any major city in the US where flip-flops are such an integral part of daily business wear. Again, I suspect this has much to do with Australia’s unique self-image and also with Sydney’s close association with the beach, such that everyone like to constantly give the impression that, at any moment, they might just bugger off to go surfing.

So tell me dear readers, is the rest of the world really dressing like this?