About Australian Taxes

For many years I have lived under the assumption that Australians pay exorbitant taxes. How else could they afford national healthcare, government sponsored television, and clean public toilets, not to mention special police task forces to make sure no one downloads any controversial internet content like websites discussing abortion or the Spice Girls Reunion Tour Schedule. But it wasn’t worrying about having to pay that kept me from filing taxes for the last two years – indeed, it was quite the opposite.

Perhaps no three letters in the English alphabet strike more fear into the hearts of more Americans than do I, R and S (Yes, one can make a case for Triple K, CIA, and possibly GOP – er, wait…is there a difference?) Normal law abiding citizens are deathly afraid that the IRS will one day burst into their homes and take everything they own to pay the penalties on $25 worth of back taxes from 1972. The only person I know who is not afraid of the IRS is my accountant, Moshe and his tax attorney wife. They wrestle over the new tax code and read it to each other in bed. They live for an audit…with other people’s money, of course.

The ATO, or Australian Tax Office, just doesn’t seem to have the same sort of teeth as the American equivalent. Sure, they may assess a penalty if you are late in paying any taxes owed – or they may not, if it looks like you are making an effort or they are simply feeling benevolent that day. Tax forms are written with polite language that is intended to clarify and protect rather than to confuse and distress.

And so I chose not to file taxes for the simple reason that I *could*. Not out of any sort of civil disobedience or protest, not even out of laziness - I had all the documents together. I didn’t file simply to feel what it was like to NOT do something I was supposed to do without being scared of the consequences. Silly? Wrong? Irresponsible? Perhaps. As I have said before, I have a low threshold of entertainment, and this little act of quiet rebellion brought me great pleasure.

However, I am fundamentally a responsible person – and lazy – so I finally gathered up my papers and paid the-most-boring-man-in-the-world $400 to transcribe the numbers from my documents into a computer program. How do I always find accountants who tend to proselytize during my appointments? At least Moshe stops the clock when he pauses to take personal responsibility for the Crucifixion and explain that the Bible is merely a poor translation of the Koran – but since the-most-boring-man-in-the-world was charging me a flat rate, I let him ramble on about how horrible it was to be a 7th Day Adventist in an office full of atheist heathens while I drank coffee and wondered what he was like in bed. I reckon he is more interesting when he is asleep.

A mere 8 days later, I received two sizable checks in the mail, with a nice letter apologizing for having to collect taxes in the first place, hoping I understand, and wishing me a good day. Overall, our income tax comes out to about 21% - which is comparable to what we pay in US federal taxes. However, there is no state tax, which translates to a 9% savings for us.

So where does all the money come from to run this nanny-government? Kevin reminds me that there is a big sales tax here – 10%, but that is not THAT much more than we pay in California. I think taxes on homeowners are much higher, having to pay something nasty called ‘stamp duty’ when you buy a house, but that doesn’t affect us. Then I remeber the 45% tax on cigarettes and alcohol.

Now I know where the federal government is going to get the money for that ridiculous national broadband plan...I am going to drink Australia a new internet, but I STILL won't be able to subscribe to NFL radio.