Every four years.
Without fail.
You’d think, that after 16 years, it might be a non-issue by now.
16 years!
But, No!
Every four years:
“So, are you going to break my nose again tonight?”
How did 16 years go by so fast?
It really doesn’t seem like that long ago that we were sitting in the Hillsdale Pub in Southwest Portland, savoring delicious hand-crafted stouts, eating thin cut fried potatoes drenched in malt vinegar and watching the election results roll in from across the nation, when a storm blew out the power and the staff responded with a rapid deployment of candles throughout the bar, the crowd of patrons instantaneously transforming from a boisterous mob into a cloister of intimate confidants. When the power came back on, the verdict was delivered. The Democrats had reclaimed the Federal Government and Bill Clinton was our new President.
We celebrated this momentous victory with a few more pints before driving home. (Yes, we drove home…but it was only a few blocks and it was mostly downhill.) We were quite giddy by the time we reached our parking lot. We were young and silly, and I chose that opportunity to demonstrate a Philip Marlowe maneuver I had learned...or was it Sam Spade? Deftly, I pulled down the shoulders of Kevin’s zipped jacket, rendering him defenseless against my onslaught of gentle punches. Unfortunately, the immobilization of his arms also left him defenseless against the forces of gravity, such that when he tripped over a parking curb, he had no choice but to brace his fall with his face. Indeed, he put quite a dent in the aluminum siding and the blood stain persisted for several months. Fortunately, the anesthetic effects of the alcohol lasted throughout the visit to the emergency room, and the four stitches hold a place of honor in our scrapbook to this day.
However, on THIS day, we found ourselves once more a part of a momentous victory…only we were able to appreciate it on a much larger scale. It is a rare occasion when one is able to tap into the experience of global consciousness, to know the whole world is having the exact same conversation at the exact same time. All around us tonight, people expressed feelings of excitement, of relief, of bewilderment, and of curiosity, but more than anything else, of hope.
Only we were drinking Pinot Grigio instead of beer.
I overheard someone say, “Today, I feel like I can like America again.”
Then Kevin said:
“So, are you going to break my nose again tonight?”
05 November 2008
31 October 2008
For The Birds
Perhaps one of the most redeeming feature of the Australian landscape is the avian tableau. The variety of exotic, if not somewhat cacophanous bird life almost compensates for the relative homogeneity among mammals. I've already dribbled on at length about the joys of Rainbow Lorikeets, Flocks of Wild Cockatoos, and Bemused Kookaburras, but I have yet to elaborate on the charms of Magpies. A Pomme friend once lamented on the dearth of songbirds in Australia, declaring that most native birds merely squawk. While their calls might not compare to the sweet notes of a starling, I find comfort in their soft warble, which reminds me of wooden wind chimes.
On Halloween...
I wrote a lengthy and elegant post about Halloween and then thought it sounded awfully familiar to me...turns out I pretty much expressed the exact same sentiment last year, only with slightly less elegant verbiage. http://audrasaustralianadventures.blogspot.com/2007/10/fall-into-spring.html.
There are distinct advantages to having to having a terrible memory: the world is always brand new and I can be entertained by the same anecdote over and over and over...
There are distinct advantages to having to having a terrible memory: the world is always brand new and I can be entertained by the same anecdote over and over and over...
Just Can't Get Enough?
If you live in America (hmmm.. or anywhere on planet Earth for that matter) and you are not yet fully saturated with election coverage, I invite you to listen in on a comedic antipodean take on the candidates, the issues, and the virtues of pie:
http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/racerace/media.htm
I particularly like the interview with Osama bin Laden where he is all pissed off that he keeps getting mistaken for a black Christian.
http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/racerace/media.htm
I particularly like the interview with Osama bin Laden where he is all pissed off that he keeps getting mistaken for a black Christian.
30 October 2008
Blockin' Up The Scenery
Although I have been forced to resort to the tactic on numerous occasions, I am not a fan of signs or notes in the work place. Occasionally, one’s co-workers might require a visual reminder not to place biohazardous waste in the staff room refrigerator, but for the most part I prefer to trust that people know how to behave with regards to safety and respect. Although there is a certain amount of satisfaction that comes from taping a well-worded reprimand onto an abused piece of equipment, no amount of signage is going to compensate for the moral or professional inadequacies of poorly socialized human beings.
The other day, I ventured into the women’s bathroom on the sixth floor of the Blackburn Building. Aside from the usual University sanctioned signs instructing me in proper hand washing technique and reminders of what may or may not be deposited in the toilet, there was this rogue sign next to the wash basins:
The implications caused me great pause, and indeed, a full three days later I am still puzzling over it. Obviously, the sign was inspired by an interruption of the act in question. Has this been an ongoing problem? Why do the women on the sixth floor have such dirty feet? Isn’t it truly in your best interest that your co-workers have clean feet? What would Jesus say about this?
Fortunately, I work on the second floor where there are no such restrictions on podiatric hygiene.
The other day, I ventured into the women’s bathroom on the sixth floor of the Blackburn Building. Aside from the usual University sanctioned signs instructing me in proper hand washing technique and reminders of what may or may not be deposited in the toilet, there was this rogue sign next to the wash basins:
The implications caused me great pause, and indeed, a full three days later I am still puzzling over it. Obviously, the sign was inspired by an interruption of the act in question. Has this been an ongoing problem? Why do the women on the sixth floor have such dirty feet? Isn’t it truly in your best interest that your co-workers have clean feet? What would Jesus say about this?
Fortunately, I work on the second floor where there are no such restrictions on podiatric hygiene.
29 October 2008
What Australia Thinks of America
...as if America cares...afterall, America thinks Australia is strictly populated by Kangaroos, Koala Bears, and Crocodile Dundee look-alikes, though the more wordly among them may know something about sheep. However, Australia, like the rest of the world, does think about America. A lot. And often with more thoughtfulness and insight than America thinks of herself.
2008 US Presidential Election survey
30 October 2008
The United States Studies Centre at the University of Sydney today released the results of a major survey on the views of Australians towards the United States and next week's presidential election, undertaken during the financial crisis last month.
Professor Simon Jackman Visiting Professor in the United States Studies Centre and Professor of Politics at Stanford University in California conducted the survey "Australians, Americans and the 2008 Presidential Election" that also compared attitudes of Australians with those of Americans on the same issues.
The survey comprises telephone interviews of 800 respondents and an on-line survey of 3,000 respondents. The field work was conducted by Brisbane based Q & A Research.
The survey found that most Australian respondents (80 per cent) believe the US is on the "wrong track", mirroring the views of Americans. In contrast, a solid majority (64 per cent) of Australian respondents said Australia is on the "right track".
If Australians could vote in the US presidential election, they would overwhelmingly support the Democrat candidate Senator Barack Obama by more than a 4-1 margin.
Almost half (49 per cent) of the Australian respondents think Senator Obama would make a better president "in terms of Australia's interests". Only 11 per centsaid the Republican candidate Senator John McCain would be better for Australia. Fully one third of respondents said it would make "no difference" if Senator Obama or Senator McCain wins, reflecting confidence in the underlying strength of the US-Australia alliance.
More than two thirds (69 per cent) of Australian respondents felt anger towards or ashamed of the US because of "things America has done". A similar number of American respondents (60 per cent) also reported feeling "ashamed of things that America has done".
About half the Australian respondents think the US should exit Iraq within twelve months. This is very similar to the views of Americans on the right strategy in Iraq. But even the one third of Australian respondents who think the US should stay "as long as it takes" still prefers Senator Obama as president by a 3-1 margin. The one third of Americans who think the US should stay in Iraq support Senator McCain by more than 10-1.
Senator Obama being the first African American presidential nominee of America's two major parties is less important to Australians than to Americans. The survey's Australian respondents scored considerably lower than American respondents on a "racial resentment" scale assessing attitudes towards the treatment and status of African Americans in the US.
On religion, many fewer Australians (5 per cent) than Americans (18 per cent) incorrectly think Obama is a Muslim. He is a Christian.
Asked about American stereotypes, two-thirds of Australian respondents describe Americans as "violent", "greedy" and "ignorant". At the same time, two thirds of Australians described Americans as hardworking.
Australian respondents were twice as likely to think of China as an "adversary" of the United States (33 per cent) than as an adversary of Australia (15 per cent). More than half (55 per cent) see China as an "ally" of Australia, almost twice the proportion (29 per cent) that thinks China is an "ally" of the United States. Only 5 per centof American respondents see China as an "ally".
Australian respondents were asked to rate both Australian and American political figures on a "progressive-conservative" scale. Australians consider Senator Obama to be considerably to the left of Australia's Labor Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, whereas they consider Senator McCain to be far to the right of Australia's Liberal leader Malcolm Turnbull, with President George W. Bush even further to the right.
Professor Geoffrey Garrett, CEO of the US Studies Centre, said the results showed that Australians of all political stripes shared with many Americans hopes for transformational change at home and abroad if Senator Obama wins the presidency next week, succeeding what is widely viewed in both countries as a failed Bush administration.
The detailed survey results are available on the US Studies Centre election watch website: http://www.uselectionwatch.org.au/
And, for my Australian readers - if you'd like a chance to win a trip to Washington DC for the inaugaration, visit: http://uselectionwatch.org.au/
All you have to do is guess the winner, the number of electoral votes, and the popular vote. Good Luck!
2008 US Presidential Election survey
30 October 2008
The United States Studies Centre at the University of Sydney today released the results of a major survey on the views of Australians towards the United States and next week's presidential election, undertaken during the financial crisis last month.
Professor Simon Jackman Visiting Professor in the United States Studies Centre and Professor of Politics at Stanford University in California conducted the survey "Australians, Americans and the 2008 Presidential Election" that also compared attitudes of Australians with those of Americans on the same issues.
The survey comprises telephone interviews of 800 respondents and an on-line survey of 3,000 respondents. The field work was conducted by Brisbane based Q & A Research.
The survey found that most Australian respondents (80 per cent) believe the US is on the "wrong track", mirroring the views of Americans. In contrast, a solid majority (64 per cent) of Australian respondents said Australia is on the "right track".
If Australians could vote in the US presidential election, they would overwhelmingly support the Democrat candidate Senator Barack Obama by more than a 4-1 margin.
Almost half (49 per cent) of the Australian respondents think Senator Obama would make a better president "in terms of Australia's interests". Only 11 per centsaid the Republican candidate Senator John McCain would be better for Australia. Fully one third of respondents said it would make "no difference" if Senator Obama or Senator McCain wins, reflecting confidence in the underlying strength of the US-Australia alliance.
More than two thirds (69 per cent) of Australian respondents felt anger towards or ashamed of the US because of "things America has done". A similar number of American respondents (60 per cent) also reported feeling "ashamed of things that America has done".
About half the Australian respondents think the US should exit Iraq within twelve months. This is very similar to the views of Americans on the right strategy in Iraq. But even the one third of Australian respondents who think the US should stay "as long as it takes" still prefers Senator Obama as president by a 3-1 margin. The one third of Americans who think the US should stay in Iraq support Senator McCain by more than 10-1.
Senator Obama being the first African American presidential nominee of America's two major parties is less important to Australians than to Americans. The survey's Australian respondents scored considerably lower than American respondents on a "racial resentment" scale assessing attitudes towards the treatment and status of African Americans in the US.
On religion, many fewer Australians (5 per cent) than Americans (18 per cent) incorrectly think Obama is a Muslim. He is a Christian.
Asked about American stereotypes, two-thirds of Australian respondents describe Americans as "violent", "greedy" and "ignorant". At the same time, two thirds of Australians described Americans as hardworking.
Australian respondents were twice as likely to think of China as an "adversary" of the United States (33 per cent) than as an adversary of Australia (15 per cent). More than half (55 per cent) see China as an "ally" of Australia, almost twice the proportion (29 per cent) that thinks China is an "ally" of the United States. Only 5 per centof American respondents see China as an "ally".
Australian respondents were asked to rate both Australian and American political figures on a "progressive-conservative" scale. Australians consider Senator Obama to be considerably to the left of Australia's Labor Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, whereas they consider Senator McCain to be far to the right of Australia's Liberal leader Malcolm Turnbull, with President George W. Bush even further to the right.
Professor Geoffrey Garrett, CEO of the US Studies Centre, said the results showed that Australians of all political stripes shared with many Americans hopes for transformational change at home and abroad if Senator Obama wins the presidency next week, succeeding what is widely viewed in both countries as a failed Bush administration.
The detailed survey results are available on the US Studies Centre election watch website: http://www.uselectionwatch.org.au/
And, for my Australian readers - if you'd like a chance to win a trip to Washington DC for the inaugaration, visit: http://uselectionwatch.org.au/
All you have to do is guess the winner, the number of electoral votes, and the popular vote. Good Luck!
25 October 2008
Lawn Bowling
Last week, I organized an outing with a group of Yankee transplants (and a few Aussie partners) for a day of Lawn Bowling at the North Sydney Bowl-O. Normally the clubs are the exclusive domains of elderly leagues of bowlers wearing tidy white uniforms, but once a week the greens are open to the general public for barefoot bowls.
Unlike ten-pin bowling, lawn bowling requires no particular skill or strength and is therefore well suited to the co-consumption of massive quantities of beer...not to say that I haven't consumed massive quantities of beer while playing ten-pin, but in this case, I did not have to wear ugly shoes and was treated to glorious views of the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge.
The play is quite similar to Bocce Ball, except the balls are weighted on one side, which results in a perfectly thrown ball wobbling off in wonky directions at the last minute. Teams alternate turns chucking different colored balls down a turf field toward a target ball (the jack). The object is to get as many of your balls as close to the Jack as possible without spilling your beer or falling over. There were some subtle rules regarding fouls and scoring, but I couldn't be bothered with those, as they only interfered with the play.
Perhaps I should just let the video explain the rest:
Unlike ten-pin bowling, lawn bowling requires no particular skill or strength and is therefore well suited to the co-consumption of massive quantities of beer...not to say that I haven't consumed massive quantities of beer while playing ten-pin, but in this case, I did not have to wear ugly shoes and was treated to glorious views of the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge.
The play is quite similar to Bocce Ball, except the balls are weighted on one side, which results in a perfectly thrown ball wobbling off in wonky directions at the last minute. Teams alternate turns chucking different colored balls down a turf field toward a target ball (the jack). The object is to get as many of your balls as close to the Jack as possible without spilling your beer or falling over. There were some subtle rules regarding fouls and scoring, but I couldn't be bothered with those, as they only interfered with the play.
Perhaps I should just let the video explain the rest:
18 October 2008
The Abortion
“Can we get a cat?”
“We have a cat.”
“Yeah, but The Cow is 8,000 miles away, and I miss her. Let’s get a kitten. Kittens make me happy.”
“How about we sign up to be foster carers for Cat Rescue? Then we could get kittens, keep them for a few weeks and get a new crop when they are adopted out.”
“That sounds like a good idea.”
So I made arrangements to foster a pair of tortoise shell kittens for a week until they could be placed in an adoption center. When we arrived at the vet in Annandale, we were given two tuxedo kitties, plus a ‘bonus cat’. Being flexible and experienced, and appreciating the difficulties in placing cats that are beyond the cute and fuzzy stage, we agreed to take on the ‘four month old’ female.
It took less than 24 hours to learn that we are not cut out to be foster carers, as rescue cats are almost without exception damaged in some way. The bonus cat hid under the couch for the entire weekend. The kittens were indeed entertaining, but I was a little dismayed to learn that my compassion is not limitless. One of the kittens had a prolapsed rectum (basically, it had an ‘outie’ for an asshole, which resulted in significant ‘pinching off’ problems and a propensity for constant rectal leakage. Unable to keep it locked in the laundry room until Monday, I spent the entire weekend wiping the cat’s ass. Gross.
On Monday, we promptly returned the broken kittens to the vet, but agreed to keep the bonus cat until she could be placed for adoption. With the kittens gone, she emerged from under the couch and turned out to have a really great personality, affectionate and chirpy, and completely adoring of Kevin, following him everywhere (and stealing steak off his plate, which he found immensely amusing.) By the time I returned from the states, they had bonded completely and the house was filled with cat toys. Looks like we have a cat after all.
Upon my return, it became quite obvious that there was no way the bonus cat was four months old, as she was clearly at least five weeks pregnant. A short debate lead to the obvious conclusion that it would be in no one’s best interest to let her go to term, and so we made an appointment to have her ‘de-sexed’.
I don’t think a human abortion even costs $300. Not much incentive to keep the feline population under control here.
Meet Lady Hawke:
“We have a cat.”
“Yeah, but The Cow is 8,000 miles away, and I miss her. Let’s get a kitten. Kittens make me happy.”
“How about we sign up to be foster carers for Cat Rescue? Then we could get kittens, keep them for a few weeks and get a new crop when they are adopted out.”
“That sounds like a good idea.”
So I made arrangements to foster a pair of tortoise shell kittens for a week until they could be placed in an adoption center. When we arrived at the vet in Annandale, we were given two tuxedo kitties, plus a ‘bonus cat’. Being flexible and experienced, and appreciating the difficulties in placing cats that are beyond the cute and fuzzy stage, we agreed to take on the ‘four month old’ female.
It took less than 24 hours to learn that we are not cut out to be foster carers, as rescue cats are almost without exception damaged in some way. The bonus cat hid under the couch for the entire weekend. The kittens were indeed entertaining, but I was a little dismayed to learn that my compassion is not limitless. One of the kittens had a prolapsed rectum (basically, it had an ‘outie’ for an asshole, which resulted in significant ‘pinching off’ problems and a propensity for constant rectal leakage. Unable to keep it locked in the laundry room until Monday, I spent the entire weekend wiping the cat’s ass. Gross.
On Monday, we promptly returned the broken kittens to the vet, but agreed to keep the bonus cat until she could be placed for adoption. With the kittens gone, she emerged from under the couch and turned out to have a really great personality, affectionate and chirpy, and completely adoring of Kevin, following him everywhere (and stealing steak off his plate, which he found immensely amusing.) By the time I returned from the states, they had bonded completely and the house was filled with cat toys. Looks like we have a cat after all.
Upon my return, it became quite obvious that there was no way the bonus cat was four months old, as she was clearly at least five weeks pregnant. A short debate lead to the obvious conclusion that it would be in no one’s best interest to let her go to term, and so we made an appointment to have her ‘de-sexed’.
I don’t think a human abortion even costs $300. Not much incentive to keep the feline population under control here.
Meet Lady Hawke:
17 October 2008
To Market, To Market
There are few activities that bring me more simple joy than buying fruit and vegetables from growers markets. I trace my love of produce shopping back to the weekend farmer’s market that would spring up outside the BART station when my family moved to San Francisco in the early 70’s. Back then, you simply could not get fresh vegetables in the middle of winter in Ohio, and it seemed so decadent, so hedonistic to buy artichokes or oranges on the street in January. When we moved to San Jose, my mother and I would make weekly sojourns to the Berryessa Flea Market, returning home with armloads of fresh veggies, avocados, sticks of pepperoni, and jars of exotic olives. As much as the actual procurement, I adored the interaction of being in a crowd of shoppers, jostling for position in front of a stack of crisp apples. How well I remember my first encounter with a pale green chile, which I found on the ground. I thought I had scored a small fortune, until I bit into it and wiped my eyes, which flowed like faucets all the way home…
With that knowledge, I often marvel that it took me nearly two years to visit the Sydney Markets, the mother of all produce markets.
Passing beneath the giant fair-ground style entry gates, we joined a parade of cars in chaos, all searching for prime parking around the crowded perimeter of the markets. Averting several Mexican stand-offs, I slipped into a nearby covered parking garage only to find it mysteriously deserted. I felt as if I had won the parking lottery, and we set off towards the enormous warehouse that seemed to be the center of commerce.The main building is about the size of two football fields and was packed from end to end with stalls of growers hawking their goods.
“Lovely, Lovely Beans – on sale for the next half hour – only $2 a kilo. Get you Lovely, Lovely Beans.”
“I got yer freshest Mangoes. Mangoes Here. Only $16 a flat.”
“Garrrrlique. 1$ a bag. Garrrlique”
I was instantly overwhelmed and could only wander aimlessly up and down each aisle, palpating pears, pumpkins, and pomegranates, cooing at the cost of carrots, cantaloupes, and capsicum, salivating over celery, cilantro, and strawberries, awestruck by apples and avocados, and totally repulsed by crates of fava beans.
Unless you operate a restaurant or a produce stand of your own, the best way to tackle the Sydney Markets is with a group of people among which you can divide the bounty into more reasonable portions. While the discounts are deep, they are dependent on quantity.
I have completely underestimated my ability to eat an entire flat of mangoes before they succumb to the voracious appetites of the cloud of fruit flies which now inhabit my kitchen. Turns out I enjoy buying produce a lot more than I actually like preparing it, and now the bottom of my refrigerator is slowly dissolving into a thick slime of lettuce and lovely, lovely beans.
With that knowledge, I often marvel that it took me nearly two years to visit the Sydney Markets, the mother of all produce markets.
Passing beneath the giant fair-ground style entry gates, we joined a parade of cars in chaos, all searching for prime parking around the crowded perimeter of the markets. Averting several Mexican stand-offs, I slipped into a nearby covered parking garage only to find it mysteriously deserted. I felt as if I had won the parking lottery, and we set off towards the enormous warehouse that seemed to be the center of commerce.The main building is about the size of two football fields and was packed from end to end with stalls of growers hawking their goods.
“Lovely, Lovely Beans – on sale for the next half hour – only $2 a kilo. Get you Lovely, Lovely Beans.”
“I got yer freshest Mangoes. Mangoes Here. Only $16 a flat.”
“Garrrrlique. 1$ a bag. Garrrlique”
I was instantly overwhelmed and could only wander aimlessly up and down each aisle, palpating pears, pumpkins, and pomegranates, cooing at the cost of carrots, cantaloupes, and capsicum, salivating over celery, cilantro, and strawberries, awestruck by apples and avocados, and totally repulsed by crates of fava beans.
Unless you operate a restaurant or a produce stand of your own, the best way to tackle the Sydney Markets is with a group of people among which you can divide the bounty into more reasonable portions. While the discounts are deep, they are dependent on quantity.
I have completely underestimated my ability to eat an entire flat of mangoes before they succumb to the voracious appetites of the cloud of fruit flies which now inhabit my kitchen. Turns out I enjoy buying produce a lot more than I actually like preparing it, and now the bottom of my refrigerator is slowly dissolving into a thick slime of lettuce and lovely, lovely beans.
09 October 2008
Watch For Me on 'Border Security'
Chris Defourney, Manager
DFS Duty Free Galleria
San Francisco International Airport
C/O 1580 Francisco Street
Torrance, CA 90501
USA
Re: 773178663/ Txn # 1010-840-06858 and 1010-840-06859
The purpose of this letter is to lodge a formal complaint against DFS Duty Free Galleria located at the San Francisco International Terminal and specifically against Mr. Corvado Ruiz, formerly of El Salvador.
On Wednesday, October 8, 2008 at ~ 21:15, I entered the DFS Galleria at the San Francisco International Airport to purchase one carton of cigarettes and one liter bottle of Stolichnaya Vodka as gifts upon my return to Australia. I was approached by Mr. Ruiz who strongly urged me to purchase a second bottle of vodka, since the price was so reasonable. I concurred that the savings were substantial and succumbed to his charming persuasion. Mr. Ruiz, then seeing that I had also selected a carton of cigarettes, further urged me to purchase a second carton. I explained to him that Australia had limitations upon the importation of tobacco and that I could only bring in 250 cigarettes duty free. Mr. Corvado then swore to me that the regulations had been changed as of January 2008 and that Australia had increased their limit to 400 cigarettes. I told him I did not believe that was correct, yet he assured me that was the case and said that if he was lying, I could lodge a formal complaint – and then he showed me his employee badge.
Mr. Ruiz was indeed lying, and I am indeed lodging a formal complaint. Upon entering Australia, I was fined $113.98 AUD and subjected to a humiliating search, during which I was told that it is common practice for duty free shops to blatantly lie to overseas consumers. DFS Duty Free Galleria should be painfully ashamed for employing predatory business practices that are based on deception and coercion. While I recognize that it is ultimately my responsibility to be aware of the restrictions upon importation, I believe that DFS Duty Free also has the responsibility to not deceive their customers with deliberate fabrications just for the sake of a meager $34 sale.
In the future, I will most certainly make such purchases elsewhere, and will further ensure that I alert all travelers to the despicable business practices utilized by DFS Duty Free Galleria.
Respectfully,
Audra A McKinze
74/9 Herbert Street
St. Leonards, NSW 2065
Australia
Cc:
San Francisco International Airport
Department of Concessions and Development
PO Box 8097 San Francisco, CA 94128-8097
BBB of the SouthlandBBB of the Southland (Colton, CA)
315 N. La Cadena Colton, CA 92324-2927
Phone: (909)825-7280Fax: (909)825-6246
Email: info@labbb.org
Web: http://www.labbb.org
DFS Duty Free Galleria
San Francisco International Airport
C/O 1580 Francisco Street
Torrance, CA 90501
USA
Re: 773178663/ Txn # 1010-840-06858 and 1010-840-06859
The purpose of this letter is to lodge a formal complaint against DFS Duty Free Galleria located at the San Francisco International Terminal and specifically against Mr. Corvado Ruiz, formerly of El Salvador.
On Wednesday, October 8, 2008 at ~ 21:15, I entered the DFS Galleria at the San Francisco International Airport to purchase one carton of cigarettes and one liter bottle of Stolichnaya Vodka as gifts upon my return to Australia. I was approached by Mr. Ruiz who strongly urged me to purchase a second bottle of vodka, since the price was so reasonable. I concurred that the savings were substantial and succumbed to his charming persuasion. Mr. Ruiz, then seeing that I had also selected a carton of cigarettes, further urged me to purchase a second carton. I explained to him that Australia had limitations upon the importation of tobacco and that I could only bring in 250 cigarettes duty free. Mr. Corvado then swore to me that the regulations had been changed as of January 2008 and that Australia had increased their limit to 400 cigarettes. I told him I did not believe that was correct, yet he assured me that was the case and said that if he was lying, I could lodge a formal complaint – and then he showed me his employee badge.
Mr. Ruiz was indeed lying, and I am indeed lodging a formal complaint. Upon entering Australia, I was fined $113.98 AUD and subjected to a humiliating search, during which I was told that it is common practice for duty free shops to blatantly lie to overseas consumers. DFS Duty Free Galleria should be painfully ashamed for employing predatory business practices that are based on deception and coercion. While I recognize that it is ultimately my responsibility to be aware of the restrictions upon importation, I believe that DFS Duty Free also has the responsibility to not deceive their customers with deliberate fabrications just for the sake of a meager $34 sale.
In the future, I will most certainly make such purchases elsewhere, and will further ensure that I alert all travelers to the despicable business practices utilized by DFS Duty Free Galleria.
Respectfully,
Audra A McKinze
74/9 Herbert Street
St. Leonards, NSW 2065
Australia
Cc:
San Francisco International Airport
Department of Concessions and Development
PO Box 8097 San Francisco, CA 94128-8097
BBB of the SouthlandBBB of the Southland (Colton, CA)
315 N. La Cadena Colton, CA 92324-2927
Phone: (909)825-7280Fax: (909)825-6246
Email: info@labbb.org
Web: http://www.labbb.org
03 October 2008
Stuffed
A few months ago, I watched a documentary series that discussed stuff and how humans relate to it. The brilliant comedian George Carlin penned a hilarious monologue about stuff. These two performances have been very much in the forefront of my mind over the last several days, and I would not presume to imagine that I could draw observations that are any more pertinent or humorous than those supplied by the experts. Nonetheless, I am compelled to lighten my psychic load by dumping a few conclusions on my audience.
1) Stuff abhors a vacuum.
And by vacuum, I mean the academic definition of empty space as well as the household appliance, the latter particularly when the former is an attic. This is a frightening theorem, considering the size of the Victorian house my mother has lived in for the last 30 years. I had always thought it was a shame that the foundation had been lowered in the 1950's to improve the chances of the house withstanding a major earthquake, but now I am immensely grateful that the basement is not one cubic inch larger than it is, for that cubic inch would be filled with stuff.
2) The stuff of freedom.
Aside from children or ailing parents, mass quantities of stuff is one of the most insidious thieves of personal liberty, especially when it comes time to move house. However, it is amazing the stuff people will take as long as it is free.
3) Other people's stuff.
It is a simple pleasure to sift through the detritus of someone else's life, to handle and ponder mysterious objects, to experience reminiscence at reminders of things that have been misplaced in one's own history. In fact, it is so much fun, that as we began to empty the basement, we recruited several people from the neighborhood who were so enthralled by our activity, that they volunteered the services to help sort and sift the stuff.
All right. Enough stuff.
Except we haven't even opened the garage yet...
1) Stuff abhors a vacuum.
And by vacuum, I mean the academic definition of empty space as well as the household appliance, the latter particularly when the former is an attic. This is a frightening theorem, considering the size of the Victorian house my mother has lived in for the last 30 years. I had always thought it was a shame that the foundation had been lowered in the 1950's to improve the chances of the house withstanding a major earthquake, but now I am immensely grateful that the basement is not one cubic inch larger than it is, for that cubic inch would be filled with stuff.
2) The stuff of freedom.
Aside from children or ailing parents, mass quantities of stuff is one of the most insidious thieves of personal liberty, especially when it comes time to move house. However, it is amazing the stuff people will take as long as it is free.
3) Other people's stuff.
It is a simple pleasure to sift through the detritus of someone else's life, to handle and ponder mysterious objects, to experience reminiscence at reminders of things that have been misplaced in one's own history. In fact, it is so much fun, that as we began to empty the basement, we recruited several people from the neighborhood who were so enthralled by our activity, that they volunteered the services to help sort and sift the stuff.
All right. Enough stuff.
Except we haven't even opened the garage yet...
27 September 2008
Meltdown Averted
Despite the panic of the morning - and the flight being full, and being assigned a center seat next to a woman with whooping cough - the coast to coast journey was surprisingly smooth. In fact, I am now firmly of the opinion that all trans-Pacific flights to California should be rescheduled for a later departure time. Dinner is served at a more reasonable hour and arrival occurs at the civilized time of 5 am (according to the body clock...noon locally), rather than 3 am, which takes an astounding toll on one's sensibilities.
After a quick tour of my mother's adorable new house (more on that later), my first order of business, of course, was to seek out some proper tacos and cheap beer. Under the wings of my cherished friends, I soon found myself in Carnitas heaven with my hand wrapped around a cold Pacifico. Bliss.
Later that night, under the cover of a deliciously warm October night, we ventured out into the streets of San Jose on bicycles in search of more cheap beer and, eventually, more tacos. (My God, does anything taste better than a taco served after the bars have closed?!) I cannot describe how fun it was to be pedaling through familiar neighborhoods, an insider tourist in my own home town. However, in the bars, it was impossible not to draw constant comparisons between American and Australian culture. As charmed as I am by art deco pubs, there is a durable soft-spot in my heart for good old fashioned dive bars, an institution that is entirely absent from the antipodean landscape. And, so it seems, an institution that is rapidly fading from the urban panorama of California as well.
Like the gritty blue-collar pubs of Sydney, most dive bars are being snatched up by swanky young entrepreneurs who recognize the nostalgia and respect that a new generation of drinkers have for seedy old dumps. While they try to preserve that special something that makes a bar a dive, they also install chic lighting, thumping sound systems, hire cool bartenders with bee-hive hairdos and trendy tattoos, and invariably host hip DJs on weekends, additions that are in direct conflict with the fundamental essence of a true dive.
My Australian friends are invariably uncomprehending of the concept of a 'dive', and I often find myself unable to adequately provide an accurate description. More than just cheap drinks, a cast of local derelicts, and a collection of tacky alcohol-related paraphernalia, a dive bar typically encompasses a blend of familiarity and desperation, of comfort and wretchedness. Regardless of the methodical yuppification of the best dive bars of San Jose, one critical facet endures.
In Australia, spirits are strictly measured by the smallest shot glass in existence. Happy Hour commonly involves a modest discount on one brand of drink and typically lasts ONE hour only, usually between 5-6. At Jack's, happy hour means $3.00 beers, $1 discounts on all other drinks, AND it lasts from 4-9pm. That is five very happy hours for the price of one. And then, from 10-midnight, there was another drink special: 'shots' of Jack Daniels for just $4...only the shots were free-poured into a glass the size of a coffee mug. Furthermore, the 'Jack Girl' (snigger) was on site, distributing stickers, patches, t-shirts and bandanas to anyone who bothered to simply ask for one, with the idea, of course, that one would then purchase a shot of JD. I felt no such obligation, but I absolutely love my new t-shirt!
And then we went to a great German bar hosting Oktoberfest, where I finnagled a free apple strudel and drank a beer bigger than my head.
Bliss.
Then I fell over.
Did that cat follow me from Australia?
After a quick tour of my mother's adorable new house (more on that later), my first order of business, of course, was to seek out some proper tacos and cheap beer. Under the wings of my cherished friends, I soon found myself in Carnitas heaven with my hand wrapped around a cold Pacifico. Bliss.
Later that night, under the cover of a deliciously warm October night, we ventured out into the streets of San Jose on bicycles in search of more cheap beer and, eventually, more tacos. (My God, does anything taste better than a taco served after the bars have closed?!) I cannot describe how fun it was to be pedaling through familiar neighborhoods, an insider tourist in my own home town. However, in the bars, it was impossible not to draw constant comparisons between American and Australian culture. As charmed as I am by art deco pubs, there is a durable soft-spot in my heart for good old fashioned dive bars, an institution that is entirely absent from the antipodean landscape. And, so it seems, an institution that is rapidly fading from the urban panorama of California as well.
Like the gritty blue-collar pubs of Sydney, most dive bars are being snatched up by swanky young entrepreneurs who recognize the nostalgia and respect that a new generation of drinkers have for seedy old dumps. While they try to preserve that special something that makes a bar a dive, they also install chic lighting, thumping sound systems, hire cool bartenders with bee-hive hairdos and trendy tattoos, and invariably host hip DJs on weekends, additions that are in direct conflict with the fundamental essence of a true dive.
My Australian friends are invariably uncomprehending of the concept of a 'dive', and I often find myself unable to adequately provide an accurate description. More than just cheap drinks, a cast of local derelicts, and a collection of tacky alcohol-related paraphernalia, a dive bar typically encompasses a blend of familiarity and desperation, of comfort and wretchedness. Regardless of the methodical yuppification of the best dive bars of San Jose, one critical facet endures.
In Australia, spirits are strictly measured by the smallest shot glass in existence. Happy Hour commonly involves a modest discount on one brand of drink and typically lasts ONE hour only, usually between 5-6. At Jack's, happy hour means $3.00 beers, $1 discounts on all other drinks, AND it lasts from 4-9pm. That is five very happy hours for the price of one. And then, from 10-midnight, there was another drink special: 'shots' of Jack Daniels for just $4...only the shots were free-poured into a glass the size of a coffee mug. Furthermore, the 'Jack Girl' (snigger) was on site, distributing stickers, patches, t-shirts and bandanas to anyone who bothered to simply ask for one, with the idea, of course, that one would then purchase a shot of JD. I felt no such obligation, but I absolutely love my new t-shirt!
And then we went to a great German bar hosting Oktoberfest, where I finnagled a free apple strudel and drank a beer bigger than my head.
Bliss.
Then I fell over.
Did that cat follow me from Australia?
25 September 2008
Meltdown Pending
I wasn't especially anxious about my trip back to California. I has a nice massage last night, didn't drink too much, and had a very good night's sleep. I woke up mildly excited, yet calm in knowing exaactly what lay ahead: have some coffee, finish up the laundry, pack my one little bag, take a shower, slip on my stretchy travelling costume, have some lunch, hop a train, go to California. Just before boarding the train, I opened my phone to send Kevin a goodbye text, only to receive a barrage of messages from Qantas telling me my flight was delayed.
And then I spun into a panic.
My phone battery died.
I left my charger at work.
Since the age of portable phones, I can no longer remember a phone number to save my life (except for 279-8091).
My internet connection crashed.
When it finally blinked on for a moment, I instantly forgot all of my passwords.
My lunch ceased to digest.
I don't mind schedule disruptions, but with the troubles that Qantas has been having of late, coupled with my very active imagination, my mind went bonkers with frightening scenarios as to WHY the flight is delayed!
But now it is time to go.
I think I'll have me a Rum and Ginger Beer at the airport.
And then I spun into a panic.
My phone battery died.
I left my charger at work.
Since the age of portable phones, I can no longer remember a phone number to save my life (except for 279-8091).
My internet connection crashed.
When it finally blinked on for a moment, I instantly forgot all of my passwords.
My lunch ceased to digest.
I don't mind schedule disruptions, but with the troubles that Qantas has been having of late, coupled with my very active imagination, my mind went bonkers with frightening scenarios as to WHY the flight is delayed!
But now it is time to go.
I think I'll have me a Rum and Ginger Beer at the airport.
20 September 2008
279-8091
In the age of portable communications and high speed cable internet, land lines are becoming increasingly obsolete. Indeed, Kevin and I do not have one here in Australia, although we do have three mobile phones, one cell phone, and a Skype account.
A phone number seems an odd entity to serve as a repository for sentimentality, yet I was choked with emotion when, several months ago, my mother disconnected the service she had had for over 30 years. The musical chimes of those digits still echo loudly in my head, and although I have not been at the end of that dial tone for over two decades, all of my childhood friends still know that number by heart. More than just an electrical connection to the outside world, over the years, it seemed to take on a personality of its own. Having moved to California from Ohio with roommates, the phone was listed under the name of 'D. O’Rourke', and my mother had never seen any reason to update this information after Delphine moved out. Somewhere in the world there is a very naughty man named Dan O’Rourke, and for many years, we could gamble that any calls received during the dinner hour were from bill collectors or private detectives. Those calls became a running gag in our household, and curiously, I find myself missing them.
It was like some critical part of my past had been severed, lost, disconnected, and I feel more than a little foolish for it. But that is nothing compared to the self-centered blubbering that is about to unfold.
On October 1st, my mother is moving out of the house she has rented for 29 years. So great is my distress over this disengagement, that I am compelled, under the guise of ‘helping,’ to travel to California to wallow in the memories that are stored at 1166 Hester Ave.
In reality, it is nothing but a happy occasion. My mother is finally fulfilling the dream of homeownership, postponed for decades as she raised and educated three children and supported a fair share of deadbeats along the way. Yet, I get overcome with emotion when I think about returning from Australia to find her life transplanted into new environs without having been a part of the transition, as if I might otherwise never ‘belong’ there. I do not like to imagine returning to San Jose and driving by my childhood home inhabited by strangers without having been able to walk through the empty rooms saying goodbye to ghosts.
My mother is delighted by the prospect of throwing out much of her old life and starting fresh in a new place. I can certainly appreciate that – I have done it more times than I can count, and perhaps that is part of why I am so distraught. That constancy, that romantic notion of ‘home’, a place that I could always go back to, has provided me with a degree of stability in my nomadic life. Now all that will be gone, and I am a little scared of how that will impact my perception of my place in the world.
Or maybe I am just feeling the strain of the incredible distance. Australia is very far away from the rest of the world, a notion that I neglected to give proper consideration before moving here.
Or maybe I am just getting old. And tired.
Or maybe, I just needed a good excuse to eat a proper burrito.
A phone number seems an odd entity to serve as a repository for sentimentality, yet I was choked with emotion when, several months ago, my mother disconnected the service she had had for over 30 years. The musical chimes of those digits still echo loudly in my head, and although I have not been at the end of that dial tone for over two decades, all of my childhood friends still know that number by heart. More than just an electrical connection to the outside world, over the years, it seemed to take on a personality of its own. Having moved to California from Ohio with roommates, the phone was listed under the name of 'D. O’Rourke', and my mother had never seen any reason to update this information after Delphine moved out. Somewhere in the world there is a very naughty man named Dan O’Rourke, and for many years, we could gamble that any calls received during the dinner hour were from bill collectors or private detectives. Those calls became a running gag in our household, and curiously, I find myself missing them.
It was like some critical part of my past had been severed, lost, disconnected, and I feel more than a little foolish for it. But that is nothing compared to the self-centered blubbering that is about to unfold.
On October 1st, my mother is moving out of the house she has rented for 29 years. So great is my distress over this disengagement, that I am compelled, under the guise of ‘helping,’ to travel to California to wallow in the memories that are stored at 1166 Hester Ave.
In reality, it is nothing but a happy occasion. My mother is finally fulfilling the dream of homeownership, postponed for decades as she raised and educated three children and supported a fair share of deadbeats along the way. Yet, I get overcome with emotion when I think about returning from Australia to find her life transplanted into new environs without having been a part of the transition, as if I might otherwise never ‘belong’ there. I do not like to imagine returning to San Jose and driving by my childhood home inhabited by strangers without having been able to walk through the empty rooms saying goodbye to ghosts.
My mother is delighted by the prospect of throwing out much of her old life and starting fresh in a new place. I can certainly appreciate that – I have done it more times than I can count, and perhaps that is part of why I am so distraught. That constancy, that romantic notion of ‘home’, a place that I could always go back to, has provided me with a degree of stability in my nomadic life. Now all that will be gone, and I am a little scared of how that will impact my perception of my place in the world.
Or maybe I am just feeling the strain of the incredible distance. Australia is very far away from the rest of the world, a notion that I neglected to give proper consideration before moving here.
Or maybe I am just getting old. And tired.
Or maybe, I just needed a good excuse to eat a proper burrito.
16 September 2008
ATTENTION!
If any of my dead beat friends have been toying with the possibility of coming to visit me in Australia - where you will have free accommodations (with stunning views), free airport pick-up, not to mention free use of a car, free food, and many, many free rounds of beer - I just wanted to bring to your attention, the fact that round trip flights from San Francisco are currently at an all time low...
Oh, and the exchange rate just dropped below 80 cents, so it is like Australia is having a 20% discount sale on everything!
Oh, and the exchange rate just dropped below 80 cents, so it is like Australia is having a 20% discount sale on everything!
11 September 2008
Yes, He Did His Research
I have recently finished reading John Burdett’s trilogy of crime novels starring Part-time Pimp/Full-time Buddhist, Detective Jitpleecheep. In addition to startling endings showcasing incredibly gruesome acts of retribution, each novel features a detailed description of a Traditional Thai Massage (2nd floor only – 3rd floor is no place for an honest Buddhist Cop.) Last night, in the interest of investigating Burdett’s literary integrity, Kevin and I, went to the store-front Thai Massage parlor across the street. No, we did NOT get Happy Endings, but I must confess that I was rather distracted wondering if it was on the menu and by the possibility that it might be happening in the room next door.
We were greeted warmly, albeit incoherently by two small women dressed in colorful pantaloons. They showed us up stairs to a pleasant room with two large flat tables, gave us each a cup of cool fruity tea, tossed two brown linen squares at us, made a few confusing gestures, and left. After some bewildered muttering, we settled in to our brown baggy pants and awaited their return.
The massage began pleasantly enough, with a warm towel placed over my feet and some gentle acupressure. Within minutes, Giny had climbed up onto the table and was crawling up the backs of my legs. She shoved her knees into the backs of my thighs and jammed her elbows deep into my lower back. I made a mental regarding potential treatment of kidney stones. She did a few handstands on my back, her body weight entirely disproportionate to her size, but she wasn’t going to take any crap from the knotty monsters that live beneath my shoulder blades. Digging in deep with her lethal elbows, I felt my muscles crunch and melt beneath the grinding pressure.
She turned me over and began manipulating my legs. Thai massage may not be suitable for the elderly, as I felt sure that had my diet been more calcium deficient, she surely would have snapped my femur, if not my entire pelvis. Sitting between my feet and grabbing onto my bended knees, she pulverized the backs of my thighs with her powerful feet. She kneaded and twisted the muscles around my knees until my legs felt like two doughy baguettes.
I was hoisted into a sitting position for some neck and shoulder abuse. Locking my hands behind my head, she thrust her knees into my back and contorted my spine with a series of stirring motions, bending me backwards over her thighs. Finally she released me back onto the mat, placed a warm towel over my eyes, and said “Thank You” as she left the room.
Thank Me??
Kevin sat up and looked at me with a somewhat dazed expression. Gingerly, we placed out tenderized bodies back into our clothes and went down stairs. A warm cup of tea awaited us.
“You have some sore tomorrow,” said Giny as she pointed to her shoulders.
“No, I will have some sore for three days.” Truly, I am surprised that my arms are turgid enough to even hold my hands above the keyboard.
I can’t wait to go back.
We were greeted warmly, albeit incoherently by two small women dressed in colorful pantaloons. They showed us up stairs to a pleasant room with two large flat tables, gave us each a cup of cool fruity tea, tossed two brown linen squares at us, made a few confusing gestures, and left. After some bewildered muttering, we settled in to our brown baggy pants and awaited their return.
The massage began pleasantly enough, with a warm towel placed over my feet and some gentle acupressure. Within minutes, Giny had climbed up onto the table and was crawling up the backs of my legs. She shoved her knees into the backs of my thighs and jammed her elbows deep into my lower back. I made a mental regarding potential treatment of kidney stones. She did a few handstands on my back, her body weight entirely disproportionate to her size, but she wasn’t going to take any crap from the knotty monsters that live beneath my shoulder blades. Digging in deep with her lethal elbows, I felt my muscles crunch and melt beneath the grinding pressure.
She turned me over and began manipulating my legs. Thai massage may not be suitable for the elderly, as I felt sure that had my diet been more calcium deficient, she surely would have snapped my femur, if not my entire pelvis. Sitting between my feet and grabbing onto my bended knees, she pulverized the backs of my thighs with her powerful feet. She kneaded and twisted the muscles around my knees until my legs felt like two doughy baguettes.
I was hoisted into a sitting position for some neck and shoulder abuse. Locking my hands behind my head, she thrust her knees into my back and contorted my spine with a series of stirring motions, bending me backwards over her thighs. Finally she released me back onto the mat, placed a warm towel over my eyes, and said “Thank You” as she left the room.
Thank Me??
Kevin sat up and looked at me with a somewhat dazed expression. Gingerly, we placed out tenderized bodies back into our clothes and went down stairs. A warm cup of tea awaited us.
“You have some sore tomorrow,” said Giny as she pointed to her shoulders.
“No, I will have some sore for three days.” Truly, I am surprised that my arms are turgid enough to even hold my hands above the keyboard.
I can’t wait to go back.
05 September 2008
Why is it...
...that lighting a campfire of seasoned wood requires a bundle of kindling, an entire Sydney Morning Herald, and generous amounts of lighter fluid...
...yet one misplaced cigarette butt can instantly ignite a soggy coffee table on a rain-swept patio?
...yet one misplaced cigarette butt can instantly ignite a soggy coffee table on a rain-swept patio?
02 September 2008
Whose Clock??
Because none of my 'real' friends will come visit me in Australia, I often invite complete strangers off the Internet to come stay with us. Last weekend we hosted Paula and her 8-year old daughter Vanessa, who were visiting Sydney from Toronto.
Whenever we are around children, Kevin scrutinizes my every move looking for signs of hormonal sea changes or evidence of regret for the most defining decision of my reproductive life. If I so much as coo at a baby, he often sulks violently, waiting for the backlash of remorse and maternal yearning that he believes will inevitably overtake my otherwise appeased disposition. I've grown tired of reassuring him that he has had no influence whatsoever over my very personal choice regarding motherhood and am more than a little offended that he should think me so weak-willed in the first place. It's not like negotiating over which car to buy, where one is more apt to yield to the desires of the other, particularly in the face of one's own indifference - and shame on any one who has agreed to parenthood under such circumstances...Danny...in fact, I think he negotiated a child FOR a new car...or was it merely a dirt bike?
If you don't know me, and possibly even if you do, there is no way you will be able to visualize the expression of worried disbelief upon my face when The Baron of Bomburst turned to me as we were reading in bed and said "Gee, it's kind of nice having a little girl around. I really like her. It makes me feel nice to listen to her talk. We've never really been around children much. Maybe we should spend more time with them?"
Word of the Day: Flabbergasted.
Whenever we are around children, Kevin scrutinizes my every move looking for signs of hormonal sea changes or evidence of regret for the most defining decision of my reproductive life. If I so much as coo at a baby, he often sulks violently, waiting for the backlash of remorse and maternal yearning that he believes will inevitably overtake my otherwise appeased disposition. I've grown tired of reassuring him that he has had no influence whatsoever over my very personal choice regarding motherhood and am more than a little offended that he should think me so weak-willed in the first place. It's not like negotiating over which car to buy, where one is more apt to yield to the desires of the other, particularly in the face of one's own indifference - and shame on any one who has agreed to parenthood under such circumstances...Danny...in fact, I think he negotiated a child FOR a new car...or was it merely a dirt bike?
If you don't know me, and possibly even if you do, there is no way you will be able to visualize the expression of worried disbelief upon my face when The Baron of Bomburst turned to me as we were reading in bed and said "Gee, it's kind of nice having a little girl around. I really like her. It makes me feel nice to listen to her talk. We've never really been around children much. Maybe we should spend more time with them?"
Word of the Day: Flabbergasted.
30 August 2008
The Octopus
One of my favorite aspects of living in the world class city that is Sydney is the accessibility of artists who would otherwise never cross cultural my radar. Last night, I saw one of the most challenging performances I have ever witnessed, and by that I mean it was difficult for me, as a member of the audience, to experience. By the end of the show I was emotionally exhausted, my sensory perception strained to the edge of my tolerance.
Grant Collins is billed as a ‘one man percussion orchestra”, a phrase that completely understates the spatial-temporal complexity of his music. I don’t usually think of drums as ‘musical’ instruments – in my mind they are more like the skeletal framework that supports a harmonic structure. However, under the command of his remarkable neural network, the 80+ pieces of his drum kit produce the range and interwoven subtlety of a full symphony.
In between songs, cheeky, energetic and perhaps a bit scattered, he attempted to explain the science and methodologies behind his performances. I was quite excited to hear him discussing neuronal plasticity and hippocampal pathways, but I was completely unable to comprehend what it meant to play a rhythm in 9/16. I did understand that he is able to control each of his limbs in a different time – such that one foot plays 2, the other plays 3, while one arm does 5 and the other 7, but when I tried to observe that knowledge during his performance, my mind spun out of control as each limb blurred into an independent cacophony of movement.
It often requires all of my mental capacity to get each my limbs to do the same thing at the same time.
Grant Collins is billed as a ‘one man percussion orchestra”, a phrase that completely understates the spatial-temporal complexity of his music. I don’t usually think of drums as ‘musical’ instruments – in my mind they are more like the skeletal framework that supports a harmonic structure. However, under the command of his remarkable neural network, the 80+ pieces of his drum kit produce the range and interwoven subtlety of a full symphony.
In between songs, cheeky, energetic and perhaps a bit scattered, he attempted to explain the science and methodologies behind his performances. I was quite excited to hear him discussing neuronal plasticity and hippocampal pathways, but I was completely unable to comprehend what it meant to play a rhythm in 9/16. I did understand that he is able to control each of his limbs in a different time – such that one foot plays 2, the other plays 3, while one arm does 5 and the other 7, but when I tried to observe that knowledge during his performance, my mind spun out of control as each limb blurred into an independent cacophony of movement.
It often requires all of my mental capacity to get each my limbs to do the same thing at the same time.
17 August 2008
Cultural Immersion Experiment 3.2.1
When I was a little girl - when we first got cable television - my mother once roused me from a deep sleep in the middle of the night to witness the strangest sport she had ever seen on some obscure channel. Mesmerized by the violent athletic fortitude of the participants, owing in large part to the size and definition of their thighs, we struggled to comprehend the play. It was like football – the objective seemed to be to get an egg shaped ball through some goal posts. It was like soccer – occasionally there was kicking. But it was also like basketball – every once in awhile the players would dribble the ball as they ran across a humongous grass oval. It was like nothing we had ever seen.
It was Australian Rules Football.
As part of my cultural immersion, I accepted Richard and Kate’s invitation to attend an AFL game between the Sydney Swans and the Geelong Cats (though still wary of their backyard – and their home brew - I declined their offer of pre-drinks at their house). Unfortunately, no one in our party had a particularly keen grasp of the game itself, thus was of little help in enlightening me to the subtleties of play.
“It’s rather like a game of hot-potato,” explained Richard.
“Who are the guys in the green shirts?”
“I have no idea. Yay! Go Swans!”
Without the distraction of actually having to follow the game, I was free to absorb random details instead:
ANZ Stadium serves the BEST (if not only) hot dogs in all of Australia.
In general, Australian parents (and grand-parents) are quite appreciative of having total strangers correct their children’s (and grand-children’s) bad behaviour.
In as many days, I have been to two toilet stalls in which previous occupants have flicked remarkable boogers onto the stalls. I felt compelled to participate, but my own efforts were paltry by comparison and not at all worthy of flicking. This certainly represents a sport which would boost Australia’s gold medal tally, although Mexico would provide some fierce competition.
It never occurred to me that I might need a Sony Playstation…that is, until I saw a subdued black-and-white banner held between two men at center field during half-time. It read “Sony Playstation”.
Roaming beer vendors are a good thing. How has Australia overlooked this source of revenue? There is something to be said for having a below-poverty-level working class.
Toward the end of the game, the most confusing message flashed repeatedly across the JumboTron. It read:
Kick to Kick
NO
Kick to Kick
Do Not Enter Arena
Aren’t we already in the Arena? (Further explanations (or postulations) as to the actual meaning of that bulletin are most welcome in the comments section which follows.
Australian Police Officers – although extremely polite and infinitely approachable – are seldom in possession of useful information, such as the location of the nearest toilet facility.
Trains are a wonderful form of transportation, especially while intoxicated, and especially when you happen to catch the one train that goes directly from Olympic Park to St Leonards.
And now, for your viewing pleasure (and no doubt violating multiple copyright laws), I present the following montage:
It was Australian Rules Football.
As part of my cultural immersion, I accepted Richard and Kate’s invitation to attend an AFL game between the Sydney Swans and the Geelong Cats (though still wary of their backyard – and their home brew - I declined their offer of pre-drinks at their house). Unfortunately, no one in our party had a particularly keen grasp of the game itself, thus was of little help in enlightening me to the subtleties of play.
“It’s rather like a game of hot-potato,” explained Richard.
“Who are the guys in the green shirts?”
“I have no idea. Yay! Go Swans!”
Without the distraction of actually having to follow the game, I was free to absorb random details instead:
ANZ Stadium serves the BEST (if not only) hot dogs in all of Australia.
In general, Australian parents (and grand-parents) are quite appreciative of having total strangers correct their children’s (and grand-children’s) bad behaviour.
In as many days, I have been to two toilet stalls in which previous occupants have flicked remarkable boogers onto the stalls. I felt compelled to participate, but my own efforts were paltry by comparison and not at all worthy of flicking. This certainly represents a sport which would boost Australia’s gold medal tally, although Mexico would provide some fierce competition.
It never occurred to me that I might need a Sony Playstation…that is, until I saw a subdued black-and-white banner held between two men at center field during half-time. It read “Sony Playstation”.
Roaming beer vendors are a good thing. How has Australia overlooked this source of revenue? There is something to be said for having a below-poverty-level working class.
Toward the end of the game, the most confusing message flashed repeatedly across the JumboTron. It read:
Kick to Kick
NO
Kick to Kick
Do Not Enter Arena
Aren’t we already in the Arena? (Further explanations (or postulations) as to the actual meaning of that bulletin are most welcome in the comments section which follows.
Australian Police Officers – although extremely polite and infinitely approachable – are seldom in possession of useful information, such as the location of the nearest toilet facility.
Trains are a wonderful form of transportation, especially while intoxicated, and especially when you happen to catch the one train that goes directly from Olympic Park to St Leonards.
And now, for your viewing pleasure (and no doubt violating multiple copyright laws), I present the following montage:
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